Kona - Monarch of Cultural Imperialism!

Well, hello kiddies.  For today's walk down memory lane, I figured we'd take a look at Kona - Monarch of Monster Isle, Dell's early 60's ode to dinosuars, cavemen, and cultural imperialism.  See, me and Kona go way back.  One of the first comics I ever latched onto back in the day was a copy of issue 17 (incidentally, the series last ish), which grabbed my 4 year-old mind quite hard, given that it was full of - DINOSAURS (hmmna-hmmna)!

Anyway, it was many years (say, 40+) before I finally saw another issue of Kona -which is not exactly a sought-after masterpiece.  But now, having the whole run, I think it's worth a look.

Some back story: Kona was launched by Dell comics after their early-60's split with Western Publishing (which put its titles out under the Gold Key imprint from then on) left them with little - well, I suppose next to nothing - in the valuable properties department (Gold Key had run off with Disney, Hanna-Barbera, Warner Brothers, Turok Son of Stone, Brothers Of The Spear, etc).  They quickly launched about a half-dozen titles, all now long-forgotten.  Kona is pretty much forgotten, too - but it was, amazingly, their biggest hit.

Glad they got their priorities straight, at least!

While on their way to Australia to study "strange markings used by the prehistoric bushmen" for possible use in an "intra-satellite code system" AND in alien contact (well, at least all the bases are covered), Dr. Dodd (apparently his first name is "Dr."), his daughter Mary and grandchildren Mason (a young teen) and Lily (a squirt) are flying over the ocean in a dirigible(!?!?!).  Lily and Mason, never having apparently read so much as a National Geographic article on Australian natives, are overly concerned about what they may encounter - but not to worry - Doc Dodd has brought along a small arsenal of weaponry to protect them. Mary is busy being traumatized over her husband's death by alligator in Africa.

A storm crashes them on an isolated island (Segall had apparently been reading his Edgar Rice Burroughs, or Jules Verne, at least - but why in the hell are the flying in a blimp?).  Dodd manages to rescue kids, food, medical supplies and (most importantly) guns.  They make their way to a cave where Mary is chased by giant bats (soon dispatched by the deadly Dr. Dodd) (Mary, incidentally, never does much of anything but run around and scream - her daughter is apparently considerably more resourceful).  A sudden flash flood fills the cave and helpfully washes both the family and their supplies (don't lose those guns!) out into a "mysterious" valley (Dr. Dodd demonstrates his scientific genius by identifying the valley as "mysterious" and "not natural" - what is he a doctor of, anyway?) where they are immediately attacked by a crudely drawn tyrannosaurus rex, which itself is quickly attacked by a mob of primitive men the brilliant Dr. Dodd immediately identifies as neanderthals.  They are led by a taller, white-haired dude name Kona, who is identified by caption as "monarch of Monster Isle."  The rex is suddenly attacked by a giant snake, which kills it, only to be suddenly attacked by another mob of primitive men - these identified as pithecanthropus again by the doc.  It seems the piths train tyrannosaurs as pets(!) and terrorize the weaker neanderthals.  The piths behead the snake (the comic is surprisingly gory for a Dell comic, especially) and take off, leaving Dodd and family to (of course) make friends with the neanderthals and Kona.

This guy's a scientist?

Led back to their village (the neanderthals keep triceratops as pets - neat!) Dr. Dodd immediately begins attempting to lead the hapless primitives down the rosy path to civilization.  First priority: teach them to use guns!

Dr. Dodd explains Cold War political theory to the neanderthals

Intimidated by their gun-totin' prowess, the pith tribe makes a pre-emptive strike, attacking the village in full t.rex-aided glory (a caption points out that the rex are evil, by the way.  Who knew dinosaurs had morals?) grabbing Mary (of course) in a King Kong-esque move.  During this battle, Doc Dodd experiences a revelation...

The first time?  Ever?  Damn!

But quickly the brave Dodd family is back in action, guns blazing.  Even Lily's in on the action!

The Palin family's prehistoric vacation

Only after they've grenaded the rex's and begun a wholesale slaughter of the pith tribe does Dodd begin to have some second thoughts...

Neanderthals with machine guns.  Now he figures it out!

Well, y'know - it had dinosaurs, like I said.

Kona was written (allegedly - the stories are unsigned) by Don Segall, who seems to have been pretty much a workman-like comics writer of no particular distinction (he's credited with DC's first Creeper appearance, but there's little doubt Steve Ditko is the driving force behind all things Creeper.  In case you don't know the Creeper, we'll talk about him another time) and drawn (again allegedly) by Sam Glanzman, a good solid artist who's still working as far as I know (he did the Apple Jack webcomic 10 years ago - you can see it here).  Unfortunately, Kona isn't exactly a credit to either of them.  Glanzman's artwork is rushed and sloppy, and he isn't much at drawing dinos, though some of the battle scenes have a certain sense of drive and power.

The script by Segall is the real weak point - utterly lacking in logic. Why, again, a dirigible?  Wouldn't a plane have done just fine?  Why kidnap Mary vs. just massacring the entire tribe?  Since pithecanthropus and neanderthals are two different species for chrissakes, so what use they would have for her is questionable (then again, what use anyone would have for her is questionable).  Dodd is supposed to be a scientist but displays the intellect of a clod (valleys are mysterious?).

Dr. Dodd blesses his granddaughter with his profound insights into cultural anthropology

Still, the worst thing about Segall's script isn't it's sheer dumbness but the truly jaw-dropping cultural arrogance - look, I know it was 1962, but shee-it, Dodd (again, allegedly an educated man) apparently can't conceive of such a thing as a "primitive" culture.  Apparently he never heard of the prime directive (or common sense). Even more absurd is an attitude towards firepower that would make Ted Nugent blush.

You'll have to pry them from my cold, dead fingers!

I don't know if Segall really believed any of what he wrote, or (just as likely) he didn't care enough to think anything through.  Regardless, its embarrassing.  Stan Lee may have had (plenty) of moan-inducing moments, but even his most absurd scripts were rarely this bad.

So, one issue down - we'll see what Kona has to offer going forward.  I know it got better by #17, anyway!